A slight digression: John Carpenter's 'Dark Star'

So I recently watched John Carpenter's 'Dark Star'. I was less than impressed, but I didn't think it was necessarily bad.

Okay, so first things first. Yes, Dark Star is a very low budget movie. You can see how cheap it is, and it was made around 1974, which doesn't help. But, the problem with the film itself is...the film.

So the basic plot is it's the future. Unsurprisingly. Aboard the ship, 'Dark Star', the crew Lt. Doolittle, Sgt. Pinback, Boiler and Talby have been on mission for 20 years. The captain has recently been killed, the ship's sustained damage, and they've all got cabin fever and going at each other's throats. Their job is to destroy 'unstable' planets to avert disasters, with the help of the computer and the entirety of the bomb bay, consisting of bombs that can talk. Sounds awesome.
During an interstellar storm, the ship is damaged, and a bomb malfunction begins to plague the crew, as well as the alien that won't stay put in the cargo hold-AND HOLD A DAMNED SECOND.

Rather than being dramatic, Dark Star wants to be a comedy. All this cool serious set up, and it wants to be funny. And that's the problem.

Yes there is an Alien. Yes, it is a beachball with some feet. Yes, it looks utter crap, and yes the actors even acknowledge how crap it is.

Parts of the film do work. The opening message is excellent, and the wrecked sleeping quarters look really nasty and cool. The acting is actually quite good, and the atmosphere is excellent. You really feel someone's gonna flip their shit at any moment, maybe break something or even kill another person. The computers are cool too. Polite, but in an almost clinical way, it's almost unnerving. And, no spoilers, but the penultimate scene between Lt. Doolittle and bomb 20 is incredible, and the last scene is just beautifully sad.

However, the whole film is plagued by overall premise. A sci-fi comedy. I got no problem with that, I love sci-fi comedy (I watch Dr. Who, that's funny enough in how badly it's written *critic critic smarm smarm*). However, it only half works. Science bit? Awesome. Comedy? Eh, no.

It's just trying too hard to be funny. Some bits are funny, but only heh-heh, giggle level funny. Nothing's laugh-out-loud, I think I'mgonnapissmyself funny. Any scene where it's funny feels drawn out until the film's going "ARE YOU LAUGHING YET? HOW ABOUT SOME MORE?". It's just dead as a comedy, it doesn't add anything to the film. It feels almost forced, it just isn't funny.

If it was just sci-fi, it would work beautifully. Go into ideas about time, cabin fever, and what it's like to be with the same people for 20 years. Just think. 20 years with the same people, and the only way out is the endlessness of space. Yeah, sounds awesome. Go all dark, maybe have some people flip their shit, murder, blood. Keep the last scene, just surf towards a planet to avoid the mad crewmembers.

However, the theme song for Dark Star is seriously one of the best I've ever heard. 'Benson, Arizona' is about a spaceman flying around the universe, visiting millions of stars, but missing the ones at home, along with their loved one. And that's just like the crew of Dark Star. Millions of light years away from earth, all alone in space. Beautiful.

Deep Breath is a Terrible Episode.

"The Fuck is this?"-Half-Faced Man, 2014

Deep Breath is a terrible episode, and not for the reasons you think. Allow me to explain.

So, Capaldi's debut as the kinda old-new Doctor is some of the worst Doctor Who I have ever seen, but you would be surprised.

What works:

• The Look: As shown in the picture above, this episode is beautiful. The Half-Faced Man is an incredible design, and creepy to boot. A detachable hand with a flamethrower in it? That's AWESOME! Like, chainsaws that shoot lasers cool! As ever, the costumes are magnificent, from Vastra's dress to the Doctor's stolen clothes, gawd it looks great.
• The Characters: I seem to be one of the few people who enjoy the Paternoster Gang, and for good reason. They actually work as characters, as a singular entity. Think of them like Elizabeth, Will and good ol' Jack Sparrow from Pirates of the Caribbean. Will and Elizabeth offer emotional weight and allow the plot to advance, while Jack can go and bumble around being funny. Story? Check. Funny goofball character that people pay to see? Check! Emotional weight as a sad love story?...Just about, yeah. And, it's so damn simple IT WORKS! The Paternoster gang work like those 3, but with more scales, lesbianism and aliens. Coleman is also doing well this episode, but Capaldi is too. However, he's part of the problem...

What ther fuck yer on aboot yer weedeh Englishmahn?

What doesn't work:

The focus of the episode. Had it been literally any other episode this series, I wouldn't have cared. But, for this one, it fails on it's basic premise. But it doesn't fail epically in Michael Bay-esq propane explosions, or even farts out like a baloon. No, it just flops. Flops like a...flip flop I don't fucking know.

First episode of a new Doctor, what do we want? That's right! Character development of the new Doctor! Do we get any? No fucking chance!

It feels almost Capaldi was an afterthought. Moffat was writing along, as he does, doing some shit writing and all that. Then, as he types the last full stop, drinking the last swig of coffee from his TARDIS mug, he suddenly stops:

"Oh bugger. I've written Doctor Who, WITHOUT Doctor Who!".

Which is why this episode fails so spectacularly. It's lack of focus on the new Doctor makes this episode meaningless, which is sad because almost everything else is in place. But instead, at a time of change in Doctor Who, all we can do is focus on established characters rather than, you know, the MAIN ONE.

FINAL GRADE: D

D for Disappointing, Deep Breath and..um...Doctor Who? 

Why Dr. Who series 8 makes me cry.

So, it's 23rd August, 2014, and the eighth series of modern Doctor who is about to begin with Deep Breath. Surfing on a hype train larger than WATCH_DOGS and Destiny Combined, Peter Capaldi as the legendary time traveller is about to explode onto your television!

76 minutes later, the internet is exploding about how awesome Deep Breath was, and I seem to be the only one sitting there thinking 'wat'.

Precisely, outdated memes FTW. Now, a quick breakdown of the 12 episodes of series 8:

Deep Breath: Yeah, Deep Breath is bad, just straight up BAD.
Into the Dalek: Getting better,
Robot of Sherwood: Ok, also quite bad. But, it's good bad. At least  it's trying...
Listen: *sniff*
Time Heist: Running at speed...
The Caretaker: ...and faceplanted immediately afterwards...
Kill the Moon: ...only to break it's legs for no reason when it gets back up.
Mummy on the Orient Express: MISSION SUCCESS
Flatline: I'm so sorry for doubting you...
In the Forest of the Night: Great, thanks for throwing me down the well...
Dark Water: Oh, now you're offering me a hand to help me up?
Death in Heaven: Nope, just a bucket of cold slop to top it off...

You know, despite the tone taken in my list, I didn't really hate it. It's certainly above the really quite bad series 7, and the unthinkably terribly series 6, but it's still just...bad. So many talented actors, good writers and directors (Not inc. Moffat...), but it's just so underwhelming. We were promised a new Doctor, which is what we got. A morally good Doctor? Maybe not. A half decent series?

Ehehehehehe.....No chance.

Um..Hi?

Hello to anyone reading this! Welcome to the Nerd Cave! I'll do some blogs and stuff about nerdy things, but it will probably be mainly Doctor Who for now. You know, not long till Christmas and just after a series, so lets get cracking! I'll do a general overview of the whole series, and one for each episode, from the top! Now, take a Deep Breath as we venture into this mess of a series!

Yes Doctor Who, I am still mad at you...